


I give thee this flower

by Ellstra



Series: The Golden Bond [2]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Menstruation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:49:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5040085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cersei knows that once she became a woman, it wouldn't take long before they sent her away. And they will. But she won't go down easily - if her maidenhood is so important, she is going to give to the only one who has a right to have it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I give thee this flower

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know with these two. I have so many Jaime feels right now.

Something was off with Cersei. Jaime could sense that, as he always did. His sister was irritable, snapping at her maids and him even quite unlike the good girl she was playing to be. Father was getting harder on them, watching their every movement and breath and never reaching far for words of reprimand. Cersei took it worse than he did and he couldn’t blame her. His head was spinning from all the instructions, restrictions and commands she was told to follow, from all the odd pieces of clothing they wrapped her in and from all the empty words she was supposed to learn. He couldn’t help her with it anymore; in the last few months her body changed dramatically – there were curves where there had been flat chest and narrow hips. He could not pretend to be her any more than she could fit her breasts in his armour. He looked upon her and saw a woman. It filled him with a strange sort of feeling.

“You’re not paying attention,” his teacher scolded Jaime again. The lad raised his head and put on a guilty face. His mind was on Cersei much more often than on any other matter these days. She was a flagon of wildfire with thinning bottom, waiting to catch and spread.

“I apologise,” Jaime called and ran a hand through his hair absent-mindedly. “It won’t happen again.”

“You’ve always seemed so eager to learn, I don’t know what happened to you,” the man-at-arms sighed.

 _Well, two thirds of the eagerness were Cersei’s anyway_ , Jaime thought. He loved fighting but he loved Cersei more. Fighting didn’t need him now.

“I’ll concentrate now.” He promised and stood to attention. He watched the other man’s moves for a few minutes, responding with his own sword and body as best as he could. Spinning, thrusting, stepping here and there, mindful of where the other man was. A few blows and ducks and Jaime was fully lost in the exercise again. He was a fighter after all; it filled him with glee, his golden hair flashing through the air and mirth bubbling in his chest. _It feels a lot like dancing_ , he realised, _though the woman part_. Jaime had quite a few experiences with being the woman in a dance and he always thought that if there was one thing women had better than men, this would be it. Female steps and turns felt much more free and careless, much more vivid.

Just when his arms started to ache slightly, he managed to disarm his teacher. His sword fell to Jaime’s feet and the boy snatched it from the ground merrily. Just as he handed the sword to its owner, he caught a glimpse of a very distressed-looking Cersei in the far corner of the courtyard. Her eyes were wide as saucers and she looked as pale as if she’d seen the Others.

“Well-done, m’lord.”

Jaime didn’t hear his teacher though. He was staring at his twin who motioned for him to join her. They never dared to look for each other during the day, Father was already watching them plenty.

“Can I have a break, please? I’m thirsty.” Jaime turned to the older man. The latter looked as if he’d eaten a whole lemon, clearly not accustomed to resistance. He could order Jaime to stay but it probably wasn’t a wise decision.

“Just a moment.”

“Thank you,” Jaime was already running as he said those words. Cersei had disappeared inside the castle again and he knew where to look for her. There was a room they used to hide in when they were smaller just behind the corner.

He entered the castle and found the door. He opened it, locked and ran to his sister curled on the floor. She looked up to him when she heard him come and Jaime could see there were tears in her eyes.

“’Sei, what’s wrong?” he ran towards her and took her into his arms. She let him hold her and sobbed.

…

Cersei woke up with a headache and pain in her lower back. She thought she might be sick – it certainly felt like it – but she braced herself and decided not to tell anyone yet. She would if it got worse but not yet. Her Father had said clearly what he thought of children who tried to get away from their education with every little cough and runny nose.

She put her clothes on with the help of her maid. The girl said nothing about her temperature so Cersei concluded she didn’t have a fever. Overall, it was a peculiar illness. She didn’t feel much like eating breakfast but she wanted to see Jaime before they went their separate ways for the tasks of the day.

They sat opposite each other over their oatmeal (gods, she hated oatmeal. They were one of the wealthiest children in the country. Why couldn’t they eat anything else but oatmeal?) and Jaime smiled warmly at her, as he always did. Usually, she returned his affection enthusiastically but today it was difficult not to let her head fall into the greyish mush in front of her and fall asleep for good. Jaime seemed hurt by it and she couldn’t blame him; she hated herself but she just couldn’t force herself to be nicer. When she tried, it threatened to gag and choke her. She let him wrap his arm around her for a while when they walked out of the dinning hall and she pecked him on the cheek as they parted but it wasn’t heartfelt and she could see he knew that.

Cersei went to her study-room where she was already anticipated by Septa Celyne. The Septa was a stern, strict woman with high and prominent cheekbones, pointed nose and the thinnest body Cersei had ever seen. She wasn’t gaunt or skinny, she was just so lithe and tall it made Cersei pity her. She smiled about as much as lord Tywin.

They began the lesson by revising the coats of arms and words of the houses of the seven kingdoms. Cersei practised it with Jaime that night and she surprised the Septa with her knowledge. She blushed when they got to the fox of house Tyrell but thankfully Septa Celyne didn’t notice. Jaime had told her she was his little sly fox and kissed her on the lips, a grown-up kiss with tongues and curious, prying fingers.

The sun seemed to have got stuck on the sky. Cersei kept watching it and the sea in the distance, unable to pay attention to her lesson.

“Are you alright?” Septa Celyne asked. Cersei turned back and nodded, blinking to rid her eyelids of the weight on them.

“May I leave for a while?” She asked. She did need to pee anyway, she might as well escape.

“Are you sure you’re not ill?” The Septa looked worried.

 _No!_ Cersei wanted to scream. _I’m probably sick. But you will never know that. Not until I die of it._

“Yes, I just… I have to…” she stood up and fled from the room. She walked down the corridors and she felt tears welling up in her for no apparent reason. That terrified her. How was she going back to her lesson?

She got to the privy, got all her skirts from the way, sat down and pulled down her smallclothes. As she did that, she realised there was something wrong. Either her bladder released without her knowing or-

“Oh,” she gasped when she looked down and saw blood. The world spun with her. So this is how it felt, becoming a woman. Sickly, bloody, wet and dirty. What was she going to do?

She checked her gown. No blood. _Good. That’s for the better_. She felt sick when she pulled the undergarment back up but she had nothing to replace it with and she couldn’t run around the castle with bloodied cloth in her hands anyway, could she?

 _Jaime. Jaime will know what to do. I have to get Jaime_. She knew how risky it was, trying to get to him. They weren’t allowed to disturb each other’s lessons. They weren’t allowed to see each other outside their free time. But she had to see him. That was a lot of blood and it didn’t seem to be stopping. _Jaime would know how to get rid of the blood, he must, he’s seen blood before_.

She ran to the courtyard to find her twin. _Father must not know_ , she repeated over and over. _He must not know_. She knew he’d take her away from Jaime if he found out about this. She couldn’t let that happen, life was awful enough already and at least she had Jaime to look forward to. She didn’t want to imagine life without him.

He was where she’d thought he would be, fighting like a lion, swift, strong and graceful. From what she remembered from the lessons she took pretending to be him, she knew there was no big mistake in how he held the sword or himself, how he moved or where he stroke. _He will be the greatest knight that’s ever been_ , she thought proudly.

She watched him disarm his tutor and smiled softly. _Who’s my little lion?_ He caught her eyes and the victorious grin disappeared from his face. He nodded slightly and she fled before she was caught. Her message was received and now all she had to do was wait for answer.

She fell to the ground in their hideout and let her tears go. There were two or three and that was it. Her chest tightened. _I’m too pathetic to weep_ , she realised bitterly.

“’Sei, what’s wrong?” Jaime asked and knelt beside her. When he took her in his arms, he was slick with sweat and his hair stuck to his face.

“I-I’m bleeding,” she whispered feeble and buried her face in his neck.

“What? Where? We have to get you to the maester-“

“No. I’m woman-bleeding.” She explained and avoided his glance forcefully. She knew she was flushed. She didn’t realise how difficult this would be. She felt dirty and useless.

“Oh.” Jaime pulled her closer and ran his hands down her back.

“What should I do now?” her voice broke. He planted a kiss into her hair but she barely noticed it.

“I don’t know.” Jaime had no idea how these things worked. Nobody taught him that and Cersei was always too shy or embarrassed to tell him anything. “Does it hurt?”

“My whole life hurts,” she snapped.

“Sorry,” another kiss, “can’t you ask one of your maids what to do?”

She shook her head. “They’d tell Father.”

“You mean to keep it secret?” he marvelled.

“What else can I do?” she whimpered. “He’ll send me away if he finds out.”

“He’s going to separate us anyway.” Jaime mused softly.

“What?” she pulled away to look into his eyes.

“Ser Lorian told me,” Jaime watched his sister sadly, “he’s taking you to King’s Landing when we turn twelve.”

“No. NO.” She cried and fell into Jaime’s arms again.

“They say we’re too co-dependent.” Jaime rocked her back and forth like a baby. He held her tighter than he ever had.

“What does that mean?” she muttered.

“It means I love you too much.” He explained. His embrace was greedy and needy as if all he could do was hold her. She was grateful for the anchor his arms provided else she might float away. _Separate us_.

“That’s stupid,” she spat. She turned in his arms and forced him to lie down. “I need you.” She climbed on top of him, her body too small to cover his like it used to but for once she didn’t mind. She kissed him like she never had before, desperate and forceful. He gripped her thighs and brought their groins together. She let out a deep, throaty growl and began kissing him on the neck. She was never as careless as now when she bit and marked him as her own. They were always careful and look where it got them. She was not going to hold back this time.

They soon forgot about their tuition, about people looking for them or time at all. Cersei had never let herself get lost completely before; she was always at least partly alert, searching for someone coming in their direction. Jaime had never quite managed to focus on anything but his sister once he held her in his arms.

She opened his shirt and left a trail of kisses on his chest. She noticed a pale greenish bruise and she kissed it too, pressing her lips against it. Jaime gasped a little and she smiled against his breast.

They didn’t get enough of each other when they heard steps and shouting in the hall. Cersei raised her head from Jaime’s abdomen and listened attentively. Someone was indeed looking for them and worse even, they were looking for them both. They already figured out Jaime had taken off with Cersei or vice versa and they were searching for them together.

“They can’t find us together,” she whispered and started to dress herself. She left Jaime’s lap and he closed his shirt too. “You wanted to get something to drink and you fell asleep.”

“And you?” Jaime kissed her on the cheek before she unlocked the door silently.

“I was trying to figure out what happened to me,” she said, hollow, “I’m bleeding after all.”

They exchanged one last sorrowful look before Cersei slipped out of the room and ran away.

Jaime knew they’d never believe him the lie Cersei offered him. On the other hand, what was wrong about her going to him for advice with her situation? He was the closest person to her in the whole world, why wouldn’t she go to him. He didn’t have a mirror but he knew his neck and chest would be soon covered in scarlet bruises. He’d have to get hit to the neck a couple times during the training. He’d done it before but it was always extremely risky. 

He slipped out of the room too and made for the exercise area. He was where he was supposed to be, after all.

Jaime found his sword and practised a few swings, strokes and stances. He needed something to punch but he was alone. So he’d finally told Cersei. He was glad that he did, now they could enjoy each other the most before they’re separated. Jaime couldn’t imagine his life without Cersei. It was bad enough when he was gone with father but that was just days, maybe a week. If he understood it well, this would be a life-long separation. They might see each other again but it would be so scarce they’d be strangers sooner or later. He didn’t know how exactly he might prevent it but he knew he had to. Cersei would figure it out. She always figured things out.

…

“Where have you been?” Septa Celyne asked her with a cold expression.

“I apologize, Septa,” Cersei bowed her head and looked ashamed which wasn’t amiss. She felt terrible. She was giving up. She was giving up on Jaime, on her childhood, on easy life. But she had no idea how to keep them. “I was distressed. I’m bleeding.”

Septa understood her immediately, unlike Jaime. It made Cersei sad. Everyone was waiting just for her to be grown up and nothing else. Only when she broke inside and bled she became worth their attention and time.

“Have you washed?” The Septa stood up.

“No. I – I didn’t know what to do.” Cersei feigned sobbing and stared at her toes.

“How many times did I tell you?” Septa sighed and took her by the arm. Cersei let herself be dragged from childhood. She was a woman for them now. They could sell her to whoever wanted her, or even someone who didn’t. But they wouldn’t get her pure and innocent. She would give Jaime her maidenhood; the only precious thing every girl possessed, and nobody would stop her.

As they washed her and educated her on how often to change the cloth between her legs, Cersei let her mind wander to Jaime again. She had heard stories about wargs – creatures who were half man, half animal and they could travel between these forms. Some could even enter whichever creature they desired. Cersei couldn’t care less for other people and animals but maybe if she tried hard enough, she could see through Jaime’s eyes. They were closer than any man and animal could hope to be; they were each other’s other half after all.

…

Jaime knew what Cersei’s bleeding meant. She was a woman now. She was a maiden waiting to be deflowered. They both knew it; she kept telling him to wait with undressing her and he could understand that. She was ashamed of bleeding, she was vulnerable and she couldn’t quite believe that he would love her no matter what, no matter where, no matter when. But he could see her loosening under his caresses, he could hear her soft moans when he brushed his fingers against her breasts. She was different now. She could do all these things and more because she was a woman grown. He could feel her excited tremble under his fingers.

…

“It’s over,” she whispered into his ear. They were lying on the ground in the vast basement under Casterly Rock. No one could ever find them there. Visiting each other in their sleeping chambers had become too dangerous and they had to find a different place to meet.

Jaime pulled her face away a little and studied her eyes. She was beaming. _I haven’t seen her so excited in a week_ , Jaime thought when he saw the playful smirk upon her lips. She leaned in to kiss him.

There was only as much as he could stand. The voice of his Father telling him not to think of his sister like this that he had managed to silence echoed in his mind again. What they’d done before… that was children’s game. Not entirely innocent, true, but it could be taken back. If he made a woman of Cersei, there was no going back.

“Are you sure?” he whispered. It was a ridiculous question, really. He was only in smallclothes, her gown was unlaced and only waited for him to pull her out of it. He noticed her dress was different. It covered less, it was more ornate and more complicated to get into. She laughed, pulled his smallclothes down and laughed.

“You’re almost done already and you want to keep your honour?” she smiled and slipped out of her gown. He had seen her breasts so many times before he practically hadn’t noticed them grow but they looked different now. They were woman’s teats. _You’re ridiculous_ , he scolded himself, _they’re the same as they had always been._

“I want to be yours today,” she whispered and kissed him gently. He gave her a puzzled look.

“You hardly ever do,” Jaime objected.

“Well today I do. I want to give you everything,” she stared at him with her huge, emerald eyes. His eyes.

He didn’t question her after that. He knew she must have thought hard about this before and it was her final decision. Cersei always wanted to be the controller; she was the one who said what they’d do, she was on top, ruling him. Nobody ever let her decide anything, everybody listened to him rather than to her. Jaime was the only one who could giver her what she desperately craved – recognition as the firstborn she was.

“I love you,” Jaime murmured against her neck as he rolled them over. He rid her of the last remains of clothing as she watched him from behind half-fallen eyelids.

…

Cersei had feared it a little. She’d heard that sometimes it hurt, sometimes it bled but she needn’t have worried. She wanted Jaime more than anything and he was more patient than she’d expected. He was the sweetest and most careful she had seen him when he entered her. He looked like he was handling a newborn baby. _Jaime could never hurt_ , she realised. Their bodies were made to fit each other as much as their soul did.

Jaime’s eyes got hazy soon as he lost himself within her. For a few moments he seemed thousands of leagues away as he sighed and whispered her name ever so gently and lovingly.

She was aching by the time he slipped out of her and she was close, very close but not there yet. Before Jaime got down from his own bliss, he helped her, the old way how he always had. She writhed and squirmed under his touch and he thought she could never be more beautiful than in that moment.

…

“I’m not giving you up,” Jaime said when they sat side by side on a cliff. The sea was roaring below them, almost silencing Jaime’s confession. They were enjoying the rare occasion of being together without worrying about people seeing them. Father had just told them he was going to separate them soon – and gave them an hour to deal with it.

Sometimes Cersei wondered whether she and Jaime would truly be together or if they would marry somebody else and never get to hold each other again. She couldn’t imagine it just now, not with Jaime’s arm around her waist. _We will figure it out_ , she resolved.

“Neither am I,” she said and kissed him briefly on the cheek. “I’ll always find you. Promise.”

 

 

 

 


End file.
